Robin Thicke Blames Miley Cyrus For VMAs, We Gag In His General Direction

Ugh. Just... ugh. Ugh. Between the raging rape culture that was once again brought to our attention by the horrific Twitter reactions to American Horror Story: Coven's premiere, and this latest reminder that Robin Thicke still exists and says things, we just... we just need a break, OK? Because Robin Thicke blames Miley Cyrus for VMA performance, and we're just exhausted.

I’m singing my butt off, so I’m sitting there. I’m looking up at this guy, and I’m singing. I’m not really paying attention to all that. That’s on her. I’m like, people ask me, you know, do you twerk? I go, listen, I’m the twerkee. I’m twerked upon. I don’t twerk myself, OK? I’m just twerked upon.

(Emphasis ours.)
Listen. Listen. We saw that performance. With our eyes. The working ones, in our heads. Miley Cyrus may have been the one to bend over and wiggle her booty, but here's the thing: 1) So what? We're still confused as to why people are still upset about that, and 2) Robin Thicke, sir, you were there, too.
Miley Cyrus bent over, and twerked, and generally wiggled, but Thicke must have stumbled oh so conveniently to find himself right up against that very famous derriere. He may not have been twerking, but he was definitely part of the equation, and it's kind of lame to claim otherwise.
Thicke also wrote "Blurred Lines," which happens to be the song they were performing, so it feels kind of disingenuous to push all the blame onto the lady acting out the lyrics to his own song. Don't blame Miley Cyrus for not being as easily "domesticated" as the song claims; she already warned us years ago that she can't be tamed.
We do agree with one thing Thicke said about that VMAs performance and the press attention that followed: “It’s silly.”

Miley Cyrus and the Post-Gender Generation

Solomon was meant to be taken generally, not literally.  And when he says there is nothing new under the sun, we are almost led to believe him entirely – if it hadn't been for automobiles and the internet and America.  About the rest of it he was right.  You can always expect the best and worst out of humanity, because the loves and hates of human nature have always remained the same, which leads us to do the same kinds of things we've always been doing.  And if he was right about anything in particular, it was about the recurring existence of Miley Cyrus.

Some people think that Miley Cyrus is something new, and they think it only because they've forgotten about David Bowie and Johnny Rotten.  We've already had someone who dressed like a transsexual space alien and threw his middle finger at masculinity, and we've already had a movement of people who were completely averse to good manners and taste.  Miley Cyrus isn't for our children, but for our parents.  The difference is that our parents had the better music.

Glam and punk were the expressions of a '70s too intoxicated to remain sensible, and too tired of hippie sermonizing to even pretend morality.  And before them the Indians had their cross-dressers named berdaches, and before them the Canaanites had their gay temple prostitutes whom the Israelites called qedeshim.  Gay marriage disgusted Tacitus when it was performed by Nero, and pederasty was openly performed by the Athenians to the disgust of the Spartans, who confused everyone with their unhusbandly approach to marriage.

The point of the matter is that bucking sexual norms can be novel only to someone unfamiliar with history.  And people are always bucking, because the norms are eternal.  Nearly every great and ancient nation's had a generation of people who were terrible at being men and women – or perhaps too bored with being spiritually great in general.  It usually happens after a period of safety and luxury, before they're conquered by a nation that takes manhood very seriously – who are usually referred to as barbarians.  The major difference between the last time this happened and the present is that today's invading "barbarians" call masculinity machismo, and our deviants are considered by our intelligentsia not as deviants, but as moralists.

And perhaps this is why Miley's so shocking: not because what she's doing is actually anything new, but because she's backed by an army of militant pantsuits who say that what she's doing is right.  The New York Times has gone so far as to call her the avatar of the post-gender generation – as if the overwhelming majority of youngsters these days had already been polled and said they were tired of seeing pretty girls.  Of course, there are some of them who are sick of seeing pretty girls – and they are probably all ugly girls.  They're the minority of our children who've been so terribly cursed with terrible taste and minimal talents that they want to be themselves without anyone left to criticize them.  And they are getting what they want – almost.  They're getting it from the authorities, from their professors, and from the president.  Whom they are not getting it from (if they are straight) is everyone they really want to have sex with, because the people they want to have sex with are having sex with people who are sexually attractive.

The reason that the "post-gender generation" is temporary (and hopefully only a generation) is because the one thing they never should have bucked is the one thing they did, and it happens to be beauty.  There's nothing attractive about Miley Cyrus, nothing that makes you say I want this woman living in my house with me forever.  She's already ruined her looks with androgyny and bad fashion.  She's unsuitable for any pursuit of tranquility (which every single one of us eventually needs), useless for any kind of actual production (which most of us are forced by circumstances into doing), and even worse for the raising of children (which is the biological purpose and statistically unavoidable result of having sex).  And if children aren't ready to begin searching for these qualities intently, they'll feel themselves drawn magically to them by their guts – which are eternal, unlike the tastes of our intelligentsia.

The irony of the post-gender generation is that it claims to be getting a minority out of the closet, while forcing the majority back into another.  It demands that the majority of people celebrate things they don't really feel like celebrating – unless they have to celebrate it for the purpose of fitting in.  And this is because a person who's post-gender or transsexual has never really left his sex.  He's just terrible at being it.  He straddles the infinite chasm between two ideals, and he cheapens both of them while getting neither.  Children instinctively know this, and teachers know that they know it – and we know this because teachers are spending a lot of time telling children to say that they don't know it.

The post-gender movement is against the things all generations of healthy people have recognized as masculine and feminine, which means that in a universal sense, it's profoundly anti-democratic.  It's about pretending the forces of nature never existed, and that all the healthy people in fiction and in history, from the Nephilim to Lord Byron, were wrong about their feelings.  The movement isn't about the minority who wants to wear makeup and still be respected as manly; it's about the people who know he isn't manly and are forced to celebrate him because he isn't.  It asks people whether they would rather be "individuals" or be beautiful – and it not only asks them to pick the option they'd rather not, but chastises them when they refuse to conform to the celebrations of tasteless individuality.  Everyone is beautiful, they say – especially when they're responsible for making themselves ugly.

While it's worth mentioning that almost every valuable sermon is a calling to either fight or employ your instincts usefully, sometimes our most timely sermons are about telling us our sermonizing has gone horribly wrong (which is why Jesus was hated by the Pharisees).  In our case, it has gone wrong because we tried to protect the outcasts and in the process buried our winners.  And now we know that we can be post-gender only by mass indoctrination and thought control and persecution.  We can avoid gender only by keeping children away from romance, and if the men and women of our day aren't good enough to rebel against our intelligentsia as they should and fight them with every ounce of our sexual vitality, we will have to wait – for our children to do it for us.

And their protests will be unlike any protests the left has ever imagined.  They might be made in dirty looks and angry comments at priggish individualists in ugly costumes.  But they will more likely be silent.  They will more likely be accidental.  They'll be a return to good art and good fashion and pictures of beautiful women posted on bedroom walls of adolescent boys.  They'll be an unspoken evasion of all the post-gender possibilities for the beautiful maidens and muscular champions we always wanted.  It's our desire for good lovers that will make us into men and women – and there is nobody in the world who can keep us from doing it.  And this is because romance is bigger than bad social constructions.

The Most Hilariously Absurd Rumors + Conspiracy Theories About Miley Cyrus

I love everything about Miley Cyrus: Her twerking! Her overt love for pizza! Her penchant for wearing next to nothing! It’s all so refreshing compared to the prim-and-proper pop tarts she calls her peers.

A few people see Miley’s bizarre antics as ill-advised rebellion. She’s off her rocker! Going on a downward spiral! Someone call 911…and the church! However, if youreally know Ms. Cyrus, she knows exactly what she is doing. In fact, she is more in control of her career than ever before—creating a safe space where we can truly let our freak flags fly. And cheers to that.

But those naysayers sure like to flap their gums. Because of that, ridiculous rumors about Miley pop up left and right all over the Web. One day, she’s a demon. The next day, she’s pregnant. And then before you know it, she’s dead. That escalated quickly.

Here are the seven craziest “news” items we found on the Internet about Lady Cyrus. We hope Miley (who turns 23 today!) finds them as funny as we do.

She was replaced by a body double in 2010.

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2010 marked a new era in Miley’s career. She bid adieu to kiddy Hannah Montanafare and proudly announced she could not be tamed. To some, this noticeably sexier image was just the natural progression in the pop star’s career. Others (i.e.: the person who wrote this article) have a different theory: The OG Miley was murdered—possibly by Disney!—and replaced with a Miley clone. And this clone doesn’t give a crap about being a role model to your pre-teen girl. She twerks! She sticks her tongue out! She does clone things! THE HUMANITY.

She is pregnant with Justin Bieber’s baby.

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A Miley rumor list isn’t complete without a least one “pregnancy.” This little nugget popped up in April. According to the journalistic-as-hell In Touch Weekly, Miley was pregnant with sir Bieber’s child. And the plot thickens: At the same time, Justin’s exSelena Gomez was also pregnant. Jeez. So much conceiving. Miley laughed off the rumors by posting the tabloid headline, “Miley & Selena: Pregnant by the Same Man” and captioning it, “And by the same man we mean Justin Bieber” on Instagram. So, we’re just making s–t up now, I guess?

She is in the Illuminati because of the number 23.

The number 23 is very important to Illuminati members. Why? I don’t know. Probably something scary. Because Miley guest appeared on Mike WiLL Made It’s single “23” in 2013, the Internet put two and two together. Lady Cyrus has to be in the group then! And here’s some more compelling evidence: Miley was born on Nov.23, 1992. The second season of Hannah Montana premiered April 23, 2007. Mike confirmed Miley would appear on the song on May 23, 2013. Coincidence?! I mean…yeah, probably.

She has eight very strict rules for potential baes.

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We couldn’t find a report where Miley outwardly denied this, but we have a hard time believing someone as sexually fluid as her would have these militant dating requirements. A few of the highlights: 1. Attend a “pre-dating” briefing with her assistant. 2. Your outfit color must be approved pre-date so it won’t clash with Miley’s. 3. You must look like a model, six-pack included. In other words, me as heck.

She broke up Lupita Nyong’o and Jared Leto.

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Lupita and Jared allegedly started getting cozy during the 2014 awards season, but they were intercepted by Miley. When Ellen DeGeneres asked Lupita about the romance, she joked about the Ms. Cyrus-fueled rumors. “Ah, but I thought Miley Cyrus broke us up, that was the last thing I heard,” she said. Zing-zing!

She wants to have devil horns implanted onto her head.

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Every Illuminati member needs a good pair of devil horns, right? Apparently In Touch Weekly thought so, because they reported a while back Miley wanted “silicone devil horns” implanted in her head. Miley laughed off this brouhaha, posting on Instagram, “lol lol lol lol lol believe EVERYTHING you read! It’s all true!” Damn. This actually would’ve been pretty cool.

She and Beyoncé are recruiting kids for Satan worship.

And the only piece of evidence for this? They stick out their tongues and gyrate a little. Yep. That’s literally it. Good story, guys.